I’ll Write Already!

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So, I’ve wanted to do this for over 5 years now.  I kept saying I was going to write a book which this blog is entitled, but do you realize how hard it is to actually write an entire book with more than 20 pages? It’s not that I couldn’t it, or that I’m short on content…I’m just not sure if I’m ready to devote all of that dedication and discipline, you know? I mean, it would cut right into my dessert tv time (dessert tv: television shows that you know are absolutely terrible for your brain…but it just feels so good to watch!Hmm…maybe I should start a blog about that…) My biggest problem is that I have so much to say, I don’t even know where to start. I’ll start writing and suddenly, I get a brilliant idea for yet another fantastic, super helpful relationship book. I stop and I start this new book idea and 30 pages in, I get another super fantastical idea that begs to be worked on.  Result: 10 great ideas for awesome relationship books, with ZERO actual books for friends to read.  And its gone on like this for years.

Recently, a friend of mine told me I should buckle down and get serious about it…about writing this book called, Relationship DNA that I told her about.  Basically, its about my theories on why some people seem lucky enough to find love, while most others end up jumping from relationship to relationship, going on date after date, dealing with heartache after heartache, never truly finding complete and long lasting satisfaction and love in their romantic lives. The scariest thing is you don’t even know why!  Heavy right? But it’s not really.  The upside to lolly-gagging about it is that I’ve had to do a lot of research to support my ideas, and have refined and have discovered, added and changed a few things so that I don’t end up with something cute, but superficial and worthless.

At the core, the idea is simple.  It’s all about why you’re probably still single. More importantly, it’s about why we women love the way we do. I believe the answer lies in what I like to call our rDNA, which is our relationship and dating natural ability. From an early age, we are wired to be drawn to, behave and think a certain way in our relationships with men.  The real interest usually kicks in when I start to talk about the five different rDNA profiles. Yes…there are profiles…we’re all suckers for profiles aren’t we…Ooh,What am I? What am I! I’ll tell you, eventually. First, I should tell you how you get your rDNA. This might seem like a no brainer for some of you and if you guessed it, then you’re ahead of the curve. For women, it all starts with daddy, whether or not you knew him or not.

Professor Linda Nielsen of Wake Forest University set out to try figure out how fathers affect their daughters, distinguish the grades of quality and just how fathers are central in the personal development of their daughters. She, among others, believes that the quality of father-daughter relationships has far-reaching effects and has found that the quality of such a relationship is a direct affect of many of the troubling problems we face today such as, poverty, teenage pregnancy, sexual diseases, out-of-wedlock births, drug and alcohol abuse, high rates of incarceration and a whole host of other issues. This coincides with a growing number of research studies that finds that having a present, involved and caring father corresponds with a variety of healthy outcomes for children. Ultimately, the kind of relationship the woman had or has with her father will affect her relationship or marriage.

That’s right ladies.  If you’ve been looking for love in all the wrong places, you can blame it on your daddy, present or not. Whether or not you’re in a long term relationship, your level of happiness will be affected by this very reason. I had one of those absent dads and early on in my life, I experienced the effects of having such a relationship. Drama! I’ll tell you all about it in my next post, called Daddy Issues, which will probably be the intro to the book. I think it helps lay out why I think the way I do about love and relationships.

Like this and share if you dare. Toodles for now!

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5 Reasons He Hasn’t Put A Ring On It

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There are only a few things that is more embarrassing than falling in a public place in front of strangers. I was catching up on dessert tv last night and caught a marathon of Real Housewives of Atlanta. Kenya, the former Miss USA (not to be mistaken with Miss America-must get that straight) was hoping that her boyfriend would finally propose to her while on a three day retreat in Anguila with friends. She told everyone on the last day of the trip she expected a “surprise” proposal. Unfortunately, she was slapped with the reality that not only was it not going to happen that night, it wasn’t going to happen for the foreseeable future. Worst yet, she got defensive when he became firm and stern about how he felt.

Granted I can see how she may have felt misled by his comments about “anything can happen”, I thought it was particularly foolish of her to expect a proposal. It’s always easier to see things as they are when you’re standing on the outside looking in, but there are many women who simply don’t understand that you can’t make a man do what you want through pressure, especially marriage. Its a recipe for disaster.

There are millions of women who are experiencing the same exact problem, and where its understandable that it’s difficult to throw away all of that time and investment, sticking around when he’s obviously unsure about a future with you is really foolish. If he hasn’t put a ring on it, there are five reasons why he probably hasn’t.

1. He Never Planned on Marrying You

Is it possible he hooked up with you because he thought it would be fun? Yes. Yet, three years later, he’s still hanging around, but you’re not sure why he hasn’t put a ring on it.

Intentions can be everything. While you assumed the relationship was the start of something long-term, he was just passing the time with someone.

Unfortunately, In order to keep you around, he will probably say the things you want to hear with no intentions of really following through.

There are plenty of occassions where a man unexpectedly falls for a woman and decides to marry her after all, but more often than not, if he didn’t go into the relationship hoping for something more, chances are, he’ll be content with just being the boyfriend for as long as he can be. No amount of begging will get him to see things your way unless he wants to. Actions speak much louder than words.

2. He Just Doesn’t Love You Enough

I know it sounds harsh, but no matter how great of a person you are, it doesn’t mean he “loves” you enough to marry you.

Sometimes it just doesn’t click. You may very well be a great person, but if he doesn’t love you more than you love him, it will be very hard to keep his eyes from wandering down the line.

3. When He’s Ready, You Won’t Have to Beg.

The way men shop is a great indicator for how they date. Unlike women, they hardly window shop. They know what they want, go into the store, pick what they want and get out. Once in a blue moon, he can be coaxed by a beautiful sales woman to buy more or something else other than what he initially desired, but the point is, men don’t lolly gag when they know what they want.

Maturity plays a huge role in relationships and if he understands the gravity of what marriage means, he won’t take it lightly. He will have to feel secure financially and yes, even emotionally.

Alot of men won’t feel comfortable committing if they don’t feel like they’ve accomplished what they need in order to be able to care for a wife and family, so while it may seem like he simply has cold feet, feelings of inadequacy can be an even bigger fear he’ll have to overcome.

4. You May Not Be Wifey Material

Just because you want to get married doesn’t make you marriage material. What makes a woman someone wifey material is her ability to be a great partner, a Bonnie to a Clyde.

Selfishness is not an attractive attribute. Marriage is a team sport and you have to be a team player. If you haven’t learned how to compromise, see things only from your perspective and don’t work on shared goals, your relationship will not stand the test of time. In this case, it would be a smart for him to postpone any plans for long term nuptials.

5. You’re A Negative Nelly

If you’re full of drama, are insecure, and generally a pain in the ass, it doesn’t matter what titles you have or how beautiful you are, the idea of being with you will literally scare the pants of him, as in Kenya’s case.

No one wants to spend always and forever with a crazy person. If by change you’re able to twist his arm into a marriage, it’s highly doubtful it will last.

In short, if he hasn’t put a ring on it, it’s probably because he doesn’t like it all that much. It might be time to consider moving on.

More often than not, if he realizes you were a keeper, he’ll do everything in his power to get you back. In which case, you’d have to give him a reason to miss you. Don’t demand, just find the strength move on.