So my book is almost done…and I hate it. Wait…hate is such a strong word, so perhaps I should say, I dislike it severally!
I commend anyone whose ever written and completed a half way decent book because it is quite possibly the hardest thing one can foolishly decide to do, especially for a Perceiver like me who has absolutely no sense or desire for organization or time management.
I’ve often wondered if I was even qualified to write such a book. Then differing opinions on the direction I should go I’m afraid clouded the reasons for my initial desire to write in the first place.
I want it to be cute and kitschy,not a snorfest full of facts and figures, but I want it to also be taken seriously. It’s essentially about my journey, but I don’t necessarily want it to be about me. I want it to be about how this information changed my life and how it can change other women’s love lives as well. As I was putting together the book however, there was something that kept sticking out, and every time I tried to stick it back in, it would pop back out, each time more apparent.
I had gotten to the Actress and decided to stop putting up info about the profiles because in my attempt not to give too much away, I was compromising the integrity of the information, so I never did talk about the one relationshipDNA profile that needed the most help, which is, the Actress.
Not that the other profiles don’t need the help. Just that they don’t need as much help. Except for the extreme cases, the queen bee, tigress, artist and especially lioness don’t really quite have an issue finding “qualified” men. They usually simply need to tweak a few things to reach their fullest potential by being more realistic, lowering standards or adjusting their attitude, but the Actress, she is a different breed.
Created by the absent and sexually abusive father, the Actress is most easily identified for her affinity toward the bad boy.
According to several studies, African American and Hispanic American daughters are two to three times more likely than white girls to have divorced parents.
According to the Counseling Empowerment Consulting group, a study found that about 80% of African Americans can expect to spend “a significant” portion of their childhood living without their biological father.
In other words, many women of color are at a grave disadvantage when it comes to experiencing the benefit of a two parent home, let alone being exposed to a healthy relationship and learning how to cultivate one with the first man she we ever love or should love, her father.
It is reported that under fathered girls and also girls who experience abuse tend to develop low self esteem, do more poorly in school, have weight issues and are very likely to develop psychological and emotional problems. One study suggested that children with stepfathers are three times more likely to be abused, thus why why I call them Actresses. Life from a very young age for these girls is a hard one and they- we end up looking for love in all the wrong places. Drama rules their world whether it comes to them or they create it.
I am a woman of color and I understand the repercussions the lack of a good father figure has on a girl’s life first hand. (I earned the nickname PMS in high school just to give you some perspective.)
Against my initial wishes, I thought it would be best to write something “all” women could relate to, but in that process, I think I neglect the girls, the women who need this most, women of color…at least for now.
I don’t believe everyone wants marriage but a good marriage certainly creates greater opportunity for a father figure to be in the home. Something many black women lack in their own childhood and are now turning away from everyday. There are a myriad of reasons we will spout for this no-marriage epidemic. “Not enough good black men, they’re all in jail, taken or gay.
In a book written by ralph Richard Banks, called, is Marriage for White People? He talks about how the college-educated black women are two times less likely to marry than any other ethnic group of women and the less educated she is, the lower her chances. And when you consider almost twenty five percent of black men will end up spending time in a jail cell, it really seems like an uphill battle for a chance at a viable long lasting relationship let alone marriage.
The question however, isn’t about where and how we can find good men. As abysmal as these numbers are, I know many black women who have been able to find eligible, black men and have successful relationships. They have the pick of the litter, the ones I call Lioness. The question is, what do they know or have that those of us who struggle to find “the good obes” don’t?
It all stems back to daddy issues in my book. It’s where our relationshipDNA is formed. I want to help these women, the chronically single, from the Queen Bee who’s a daddy’s girl to the Actress whose never learned how to love.. The decline of marriage undermines the next generation of women growing up in fatherless homes and affects blacks in general on several fronts, including financially. My hope is help women who are seeking an answer to their relationship woes so that they can find long-term success in relationships, whether or not that means marriage and I’m going to do it, starting home.
This will require a pivot, and a few more hours of research, but this won’t hurt too much. I think I’ve always known I’d end up here. We’ll see how this works out! I’m just glad I didn’t procrastinate this too much further, still have plenty of time to make it great.
Crap! I think this means I have to change the title?!